Warning : don't read if you don't want to be in a sad mood. I'm basically just going to write everything that is in my head at the minute, so I apologise if I upset you in any way.
If you read my last post The Happiness Tag, you may know I haven't been feeling my best for a bit. I do get stressed quite a bit sometimes, making me feel a little more than sad, but that only usually lasts for a day or two. But this time, I've been feeling 'down' for about 3 weeks and I don't know why. I mean, I could have a good guess, but I'm not 100% definite.
Recently, I have had no motivation to do anything, nothing at all. Hence why I haven't posted on here for a while, sorry about that btw. But it occurred to me the other day that, when I go to school, within 20 minutes of the information entering my brain, it leaves, never to return. In year 7 and 8, I learnt. I learnt things, things I can still remember, but for some reason, this year nothing sticks. It might be because I did really badly in a biology and a chemistry test recently. Like very bad. Since then its just like I have no idea what to do with myself and I think when I got the tests back, everything dawned on me.
My mum and I were trying to reorganise my bedroom last weekend, when we found a certificate I got earlier this year for something at school. My mum said "why is that here, shouldn't it be somewhere safe?", to which I replied, "probably. I doesn't matter, its not that important. When I take me GCSEs in a few years time, that certificate won't matter. When I do my A levels, my GCSEs won't matter. In the end, nothing will matter". *yeah, depressing, I know*
One thing I'm most terrified about is getting old. I know it may sound stupid, but I don't want to grow up. I don't want to forget things. I don't want to be a problem for other people. I don't want to be forgotten.
But I don't want to be the age I am now because of everything I'm made to do. I want to be little again. I want to be little forever. Being little was one of the best feelings in the world, apart from I didn't realise that then. Being little, I had nothing to do. I could sit and smile and play with toys and not have to worry if I've packed my bag properly or if I've done my homework right. I didn't have to give myself a headache everyday by having to have my hair up. I could talk to people and they'd listen. If I was tired in the middle of the day, I could sleep. I can't do that now, which may explain why I'm always tired. If I was upset, I could cry and not have to worry about people having a go at me or just ignoring me in general. When I was little, I had nothing to worry about, nothing at all. I had people who would tell me what to do, so that I was happy and I knew what was going on. I had someone who would listen. I had teachers who would notice when you were looking even just a little but down. I had a smile on my face for most of the day, everyday. I don't anymore. Nothing is like it was, it will never be like that again.
|Yep, that's foetus Charlotte. |
What happened to me?
I hate being a teenager. Its like adults expect you to know how to do things, and to get yourself out of bad situations and to deal with your own problems and act more 'grown up'. But then, "we are still children" and they have power over us.
I hate this. I hate how I have no say in what I do or what I learn or who I'm allowed to be. I hate how I realise all this. I don't know how or why I know all this, because I certainly didn't learn it in school. I know and understand that I am very privileged to even have full time education, but when it somehow manages to have this effect on me, I tend to re-think my judgement.
I'm sorry if I have upset you in any way, but if you ever feel like this, please let me know. Maybe we could try and get through it together? There is more to this, but I don't know how much of it I will be able to get out of my head.
Also, 2 of my teachers know about this little place now *I might tell you later*, so if I get talked to by a teacher about this, I'll let you know. It might help actually, but then again most likely not.
I might not post for a bit, I think I need to have a bit of a sort out with everything. But ....
Thank you if you have got this far, thank you for reading my posts, thank you my lovely little chickens. Thank you for being nothing but kind. Thank you for everything, even though it may not seem a lot to you, it does to me, so once again, thank you <3
Parle bientot and Je t'aime,